Thursday, June 11, 2009

Ask Silva: Gears of War 2

SCAVENGER HUNT: Silva's appearance on the blog was brief, but we all love him anyway. Your fifth prize number is 8.

CLUE #6: I've been getting grief lately over the post your next number resides in. The post you're looking for is a rant about a website / service I wasn't particularly fond of at the time. You know what that site is, even if you don't realize it right now.

Today is Silva's debut, and it's a good one. Before we get to that, however, a have a few small announcements, most importantly: I HAVE A JOB! I HAVE A JOB! I HAVE A JOB!!!!! Walmart has extended me a job offer to be an Assistant Store Manager, which I've gladly accepted. The job's right up my alley with my leadership skills, and being able to work with people. The benefits are fantastic, and I'll be making significantly more than I expected to straight out of college (no I won't say how much). Training begins June 22nd, and I'll have more info on that at the day draws near. Employed in less than a month after graduation! Awesome! They interviewed dozens of people, and told me I was one of the 2-3 candidates that really stood out. I'm excited for this opportunity.

I'll be working several IMAX shifts over the weekend to rake in a little extra cash, which means I'll be mostly stepping back from this blog for a few days, but fear not, as Silva is covering for me =) Here's a look at the weekend:

Today: Silva on Gears 2
Friday: ThrawnOmega Predicts the Future: The Next Xbox
Saturday: Silva on Random Friend Requests
Sunday: Silva on Damnation

If you have any questions you'd like to ask Silva, feel free to leave them in the comments of any Ask Silva post.

DISCLAIMER: Ask Silva posts contain high levels of profanity and some sexual content. If such language offends you, please refrain from reading the 'Ask Silva' posts. You have been warned. For the rest of you, enjoy!

ThrawnOmega asks: What are your feelings on the Gears of War 2 multiplayer experience and what Cliffy B has done for the franchise? Will you be going for the elite rank of 100?

Silva says: Good evening Ladies, Gents, Gentiles, Jews, Jesus lovers and Jews for Jesus. Silva here with a weekly gamer rant and we are going to try and keep the profanity to a maximum. From Cliffy 'Butthole' B's Gears of War 2 glitchy gameplay to random friend requests and weird arse inquiries, I'm going to try and entertain all 5 readers of this blog whilst attempting not to veer too far off topic or tap too deep in to my huge ass girthy vocabulary and confuse you fuckers too much.....Sooooo without further adieeuuu herrrre weeee gooooo!

Hmm, I don’t even know where to begin. I will try to mix it up with a little bit of the good, a smidgen of the bad, and a metric asston of the fucking RETARDED things about the new Gears 2 multiplayer experience. Ok so we begin with my personal admiration for Gears of War 2 and what makes it such a great game. I really enjoyed the single player campaign very much so that I stood by and let myself be coerced into playing multiplayer by Thrawn and his bro. I had always been opposed to GOW multiplayer since the original because the first game type I played was Execution and I was the first person to die. As I stared at the screen wide mouthed, enlarged eyes and a beguiling look on my face I was clearly in dismay and could not fathom why people would enjoy “watching” Gears of War rather than getting a respawn and kicking some ass. I accepted my loss then tried again…I get t-bagged, 1-shotted, called a noob and my corpse gangbanged, so it’s safe to say that I was not very happy with my introduction to the GOW lifestyle or “COGin’ It” like some of these fucking nerdy pimple faced pre-pube Gears Gods call it. I accepted the fact that this was an incredible single player game and maybe I just sucked at the multiplayer, I put it on my game shelf then went on about my life.

Gears 2 comes out and I’m pumped to play it. I unwrap that fucker from the cool ass steel limited edition case and lookie here, some goodies drop out. ‘Oh shit’ a golden Hammerburst?! ‘Oh shit’ a golden Lancer?! Gears 2 multiplayer must have something going for it if Cliffy Butthole B is supplying me and all the other Limited Edition suckers with all this bling, the shit was all shimmering like pling plow like all the rappers in the videos. I hop in party chat with Thrawn, his bro, Dirty Derek and a few of the other fellas and they are all like yea jump in this Horde party, I say cool lets fuck shit up. I join in on Horde and I’m immediately smitten; I’m fucking floored, this Horde mode is like virtual heroin and I was undeniably its best customer. It was like I had just found out that the librarian was really a hot piece of ass when she lets her hair down and takes off her glasses then in the bookmarked page of the Guinness Book of World Records that I’m taking out, she’s slipped her phone number and an exclusive invite to Threesome Thursdays at her place. DING! DING! DING! I’m saying to myself; JACKPOT!, and BOOM goes the dynamite. After a week or so of Horde someone suggests we take our party to multiplayer; I’m psyched, all ready to go with my blinged the fuck out Lancer and Hammerburst and im thinking if Horde is this fun then multiplayer should be 10 times better and I get to show off my gun jewelry….Neg I get snipered, sucked in to chainsaws left and right, rodey run to shotgun splattered, double melee’d and all around just passed around like a freshman virgin cheerleader at the hockey house on a Friday night. I’m looking at the television almost in tears like “Ok wtf just happened do I suck or are these people just godly?” We’re all in the party laughing having a good time but then I start to complain, “fuck this game I hate this shit” yet I was still intrigued by the games mechanics and the competitive nature of it all. I continue player Gears2 multi for another few weeks…then it happens….the Snowblind map pack and the new gay ass road to 100.

Cliffy B, I used to think you were brilliant but no you definitely used my 800 M$ points to purchase your new venires and gym membership and forget about the gamers. EPIC begins to reset peoples gamerscores for glitching to 100 and I start to think ok wtf people wouldn’t glitch this shit if you didn’t make it almost impossible to reach 9 billion XP in a game that constantly lags, glitches like losing the gun in your hand, and chainsaw backfiring occur on a more than occasional basis. I just saw it as a bullshit diversion to reset glitching gamers when they couldn’t even rectify the issue of legitimate ranks and achievement progress getting reset (Thrawn). I guess the solution for that was “Hey we’ve got another map pack coming out soon maybe we’ll fix the old issues after you give us some more money and just make newer more severe problems yay!” I just find it really lame how a game I hated in multiplayer became so addicting, then as I continued to play, the quality of it just got worse and worse. CB complains about piracy and game rentals but if you let problems like this persist then I along with many others will be renting Gears of War 3 (which comes out 2 months after the new map pack if no one knew).

As for the question of if I will be going for rank 100, the answer is maybe….. Peer pressure is a mother fucker and if I see everyone on my list playing Gears2, I am going to want in on that. 50 is my goal, and if 100 comes it comes, but I can tell you this; Horde is going to be my bitch since it will soon give xp =)


  1. Typo 3rd PG last sentence should read: "I continue to play Gears 2 multi for another few weeks...then it happens...the Snowblind map pack and the new gay ass road to 100."

  2. First off Congrats on the job Thrawn but make sure you wear a hard hat to work. Dont want to get knocked out on your first day of work by those "Falling Prices"

    Great post by Silva. I think he went a tad easy on this one though. I expected more explicit comments like what he throws out in party chat =). I do have one question for Silva though.....What time are we playinig Gears 2 MP tonight? lol

  3. lmao gears tonight at 9:30ish and you'll hear much more vulgarity, the original rant was too long and split up in to 3 posts

  4. This made me laugh throughout great job silva, looking forward to reading more of your... eh work! Congrats Thrawn as well, I suggest watching Employee of the Month as research for how your job is going to be...thats how every supermarket works after all! =P

  5. @NJC thankfully I will not have to work with food, but I'll check out the movie anyway sometime.

  6. Congradulations on the Job Thrawn. I still hope to see you get a job writing about gaming.

    Silva, your commentary was siltastic! I can't wait to get back in on some Horde action!

  7. i'm down for Horde whenever bud lets all party up and get this shit machine in motion