Wednesday, December 31, 2008

ThrawnOmega Predicts the Future: Episode 1

NOTE: Getting this to 4 items actually took a while, but was quite a bit of fun. I'm planning on making this a sub-series within the blog, so I can add more items as I'm feeling creative.

Today being the last day of 2008, I felt like gazing into my crystal ball to see what the future holds for 2009. It should be known that my crystal ball has been know to grossly distort reality and spew forth the claims it finds most amusing. Some of these might come true, some are probably wishful thinking, and others will be plain nonsense. Your challenge is to guess when I'm being serious (if I'm ever serious) and when I'm kidding =P... You ready?

2009 Game of the Year: Onechanbara: Bakini Samurai Squad

Do you like scantily clad women? Killing zombies? Samurai sword hack 'n slash action? Bikini Samurai Squad combines all these fantastic things into the perfect trifecta of gaming bliss. Players will be able to slice the undead with a roster of hotties in what will probably be the most compelling and emotionally moving story ever told in videogame form. What's more, you can even customize what the ladies wear! How can this game possibly suck? The crystal ball predicts sales in the United States to exceed 5 million units sold in the first two weeks after release.

Need to know more? Here's a description I found on "In Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad, Aya, a descendent of the family known as IMICHI, meaning blood that goes out of control, reconciles with her sister Saki and live together in peace for awhile. The peace doesn’t last for long as an infestation of zombies have plagued the city. The sisters join together to draw their swords and rid the city of evil. Gamers can play with a friend in Co-op Mode or switch between any of the three beautiful playable characters in single player. Each character has a variety of unique moves that can be mastered during combat to destroy enemy zombies. Get too much blood on either sister and be driven into Rage Mode and gain more power and agility to destroy enemies faster and deadlier." This game is made of Epic Win.

News story of the year: Jack Thompson to run for Senate.

Reading Jack Thompson's colorful history from Wikipedia was one of the most entertaining things I've done in a while. Perhaps this legendary videogame hater isn't as off the radar as we would hope. The Republican party of late would LOVE this guy. Conservative Christian values? Check. Disregard for rules, procedures, and unrelenting vigilantism? Check, check, check. Sure, he was disbarred and fined over $40,000, but some politicians have survived worse. If Thompson can fire up a Republican base with his conservative values (takes notes from Sarah Palin, okay Jack?) and add just the right amount of fear-mongering in the media (too many examples to list, but Videogames finance Terrorism! seems like a nice slogan to start with), he could have what he needs to start making a run at that Senate seat, next time there's an election. It's never too early to start that grass-roots campaigning. I mean, the guy's from FLORIDA, and in 2000, it seems many of them forgot how to properly vote. If he has a political future anywhere, it'll be in Florida... (Florida citizens need not get mad at me... I live in the state that elected Jesse Ventura governor, OK?)

Avatars to be expanded in... fantastical... new directions.

If you're like me, you've probably seen about a million versions of the Joker on people's avatars. (For the record, I made mine before there were a MILLION of them =P) The latest issue of OXM even shows one of these Jokers, as well as a Barack Obama, Pip-Boy, Jack Black, and Michael Jackson. Microsoft figures out that some people like making their avatars look like other people, or look unrealistic, and rolls out a new line of avatar accessories and options to capitalize on that. Look forward to angel wings, magic wants, the ability to change your skin color to unnatural shades (blue, green, purple, etc.), reptile scale skin patters, and an ever-increasing variety of other fantasy items. Perhaps at last I'll be able to make my avatar look like Grand Admiral Thrawn.

Nate Gillick scores a writing job for major gaming magazine

While the crystal ball would not say where, it believes the writer of this esteemed blog, pictured above, will definitely be scoring a job (complete with paycheck!) from one of those sweet videogame magazines. (For the record, that picture is two years old, and I have no problem making fun of myself :P) Will it be OXM? Game Informer? EGM? Somewhere else entirely? Who knows? He has the determination and (in his own mind, at least) the talent, but does he have the experience? The crystal ball predicts he'll continue to write every review he can for x360a to pad that resume as much as possible.

That's all of episode 1 of ThrawnOmega predicts the future. I hope you had as much fun reading it as I did writing it, and stay tuned for future episodes!

(I forgot to credit images today, but only the picture of me is my own. If owners of those images see this and request I remove them, I shall obey.)

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